Another day, another penny. I got my windows in my new car tinted yesterday. The guy asked me how dark I wanted them, legal, darker than legal, or black. I went with medium. I wanted to be able to see out at night!
Home life is still the same. It seems as though she is just living with me to keep a roof over her head and give her food to eat. Trying to talk to her about it is bad, because it just starts arguments about her not having time to do things like hug me or kiss me because she has some sort of homework to do. All the time. Why can't she do it during the day? What is she doing during the day that she can't do her homework then? Am I just being selfish? Why is it that whenever I give her a hug and a kiss she pushes away from me almost immediately? Is it me?
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I hope these comments get emailed to you because I don't have the heart to post it up further for other eyes to read...
I cannot tell you how many tears I've cried while reading your archives. I'm so freaking sad by all of it. I feel like I'm looking at the very essence of my own marriage's breakdown. Except roles reversed in a twisted way.
Throughout my marriage and prior my hubby cheated on me. He even has a child with another woman that was concieved while we were dating. I may have hid some of the posts that delve deeper into the dark parts because so many people read my blog now...alot are from Houston, so it weirds me out a bit. Anyway, cheated prior to the marriage...i thought he would change, cheated not 2 months afterwards...we moved to a new town to "start fresh"...and I got pregnant soon after. It was happy but very scary, we had lost so much of ourselves in "making things work". I feel so old even writing about it and I'm only 26. I had a m/c and told him it was not the right thing to do (having kids with such a messed up relationship)...he told me we'd have a baby and he wouldn't do anything to prevent it. Lets just say I'm not the most "non horny" gal on the block. I also obssessed a bit about getting pregnant again...I don't know how to explain the female brain and I have one!! One night I seduced him with "lets make a baby" and half heartedly meant it... I got pregnant again... Our son was born really ill...came home...Had a hard time dealing with it all...him & us. I had serious issues with the way hubby dealt with it all. we discussed it and thought it was best that I stayed home. I did. We lost even more touch than ever as I stayed home. Depression set in...and doubt. I started staying with friends just to get out of my own head....not even to get away from him per se. I thought the reunions were awesome even after just a night...but the internet was always a problem with us. Him mostly. Each time he was alone on the pc would mean erased history and offline files...no matter what... I questioned it and had doubts. We had a gap getting bigger. Then, I found concrete evidence...and more...and more... I eventually moved out with my parents...couldn't stand it there once my sister had to move back. I came back to our apt and he moved out. I got a job at a museum and worked the weekends so he could have our son & him some alone time. THat didn't quite work out and now I'm looking again. Either way...
To say I'm innocent is not quite a good word. Our entire relationship I had a best guy friend (truly platonic) that would call during the fights and hard times. Bad went to worse. I leaned emotionally on my best guy friend and when I moved out he made some promises of "what could" happen. I have lost him due to some enlightening from his GIRLFRIEND... And I've had once again doubts in the ex. It doesn't bother me now but its still so hard to see him wanting to make amends. I read your words and know that I have pushed him away like that so many times. Because I can't stand the thought of another woman having made love to him...and him coming to our marriage bed...AGAIN...asking forgiveness and one more chance....
There is more but this is a comment. I'm sorry for TMI...I just am so affected by reading your posts. I feel like I'm reading a male me...ugh And watching thru different eyes the same way I've acted...but in a different aspect. I don't know.
*sigh*
I don't have an email or I'd send this privately.
So sorry for being a downer.
~Ruthie
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