Lunch

I went home at lunch and took my daughter to the chinese buffet a few blocks away. My wife didn't want to go. Our daughter asked questions about why didn't momma want to eat with us, and I told her I didn't know. So my daughter starts coming up with possible reasons like, she wants to lose weight, she is on a diet, maybe she already ate. She came up with several. I figure I will let my wife tell her why she didn't want to eat with us if she asks again. I asked her why she was mad at me this morning when she came home from the gym, and she told me that she was unhappy because she had to leave the gym early. 15 minutes early. I never told her to come home, just that I would wait until she came home before I left for work since our daughter was awake already. No need for her to get upset, at least at me. I was just trying to do the right thing. I need to get back to work, but I don't feel like it. I hate fricking paperwork.

Slow morning

It has been a slow morning so far. I was getting ready for work this morning and just as I stepped in the shower I heard something. I didn't think my wife was back from the gym yet, but then I didn't hear anything else. Finally I continued into the shower, and a few seconds after that I heard someone knocking on the bathroom door. I got out of the shower to find my daughter already up and about. She managed to stay up until almost 11 last night so I figured that she would sleep till 9 or 10. Scared the crap out of me. So I had to stay home with her until my wife got home. Normally I go ahead and go to work, because my daughter doesn't get up until well after my wife gets home from the gym. When she did get home from the gym she was irritated that I was still there. I guess she doesn't think it is necessary for someone to be at home with a nine year old when they are awake and moving around. I don't know why I feel it is necessary.

Ring II

Does asking for the wedding ring back seem inappropriate or mean? I had that ring custom made from an idea that I had in my head. My mother worked in a coin and gold store so they made it for the price of the gold and the main diamond.They threw in the small side diamonds as a wedding gift. I spent $1300 for this ring and when it was appraised it came out at $3800. So how tacky is it to ask for it back?

Wedding Ring

At lunch we were talking some more and I told her that the only piece of jewelry that I would ask for her to give back was her wedding ring. I told her the only reason I would ask for it back was because when we got married and I put it on her finger I told her that if she ever left me I wanted it back. She didn't say anything, but she had been crying already so I don't know what will happen with that.

Something else I just thought of. I am going to have to get her name covered up on one of my tattoos. Maybe I'll just have the whole thing covered up. Maybe I'll get a Prince Albert while I'm there too. Maybe thats what I need!

How should I feel?

I don't know how I should feel anymore. Should I be happy that I will be single? Should I be sad because the best thing in my life will be gone? Both? I talked to the chaplain yesterday for over an hour. Pretty much all the chaplain did was ask a few questions here and there, offer a few insights, but mostly let me talk and get things off my chest. There were some recommendations, and I was told to protect myself. I am starting to wonder if it would be better for me to go ahead and file for divorce, or just stay married and live separate lives. At least until one of us wants to marry someone else. Something I was thinking about last night and this morning, almost $10000 was spent to get my wife a Breast lift/ Augmentation, and since she was sore for so long afterward, I have never had the pleasure of playing with them during sex. The most I have been able to do was help wash or touch them to see if I felt any abnormal lumps. Gee fun. I am supposed to go to the legal office this morning. They have walkin hours from 0800-1000 on Wednesdays and Thursdays. I have been writing questions down to ask them. Since they are military they can't actually do anything besides answer questions though. Kind of a pain, but I guess I can see the reasoning behind it. They won't recommend anyone off base though, because that might constitute support by the military for a law firm. I guess I should go.

Feeling strange

Well its another day here. Last night wasn't a lot of fun, but at least we talked for awhile. She cried almost the whole time and kept asking "How come I keep messing up like this?" The only answer I gave her was that she knew how to fix it if she so desired. It seems bad of me, that when she was crying about how she had screwed up, I was almost happy. Maybe it was because I could see that she knew she was messing up. Would I keep her? Hell yes. How about in six months if she wants to come back? I can't honestly say. I would like to say yes again, but a lot of things can change. I intend to go talk to a chaplain today, but I have put it off this morning. I don't know why I am scared to talk to a chaplain, all they can do is help. Hopefully. I better go do something before I start to dwell on this again.

Lunch

Well lunch was rather subdued at home. I went home and finally decided on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. There wasn't anything else. I guess I could of had a tuna sandwich but I didn't feel like burping it up for the rest of the day. My wife and I started discussing some details. From initial considerations we will probably remain married until one of us decides that they want to marry someone else and then file. That isn't to say that we will be living together, at least in the future. I told her that she should stay with me until she has a job, and finishes her AA degree. Then she said I would just get mad at her when she was halfway through with school and throw her out. I asked her if she really thought that I was the type of person that would do that. If she truly knew how much I love her she wouldn't even have said that. I'm a fucking doormat when it comes to her. Before I came back to work I asked her if "Booty Calls" were out. She didn't say yes, but more importantly, she didn't say no. She laughed too.

Jewelry

I wonder if I should ask for her to return some of the jewelry I gave her. It would seem inappropriate and tacky to me, but I have given her close to probably $20000 in gold and jewelry the past 13 years. What is the etiquette of divorce though?

Divorce or Separation?

What a shitty weekend. Actually the weekend was ok, just last night that sucked. A couple of years ago when I was Saudi Arabia, I had a gold chain made for my wife. It is a 30 inch belly chain. Very nice, 18kt gold. When I put it on her I asked her to not ever remove it. It didn't last long. After a couple times at the gym she stopped wearing it to the gym because she was afraid she would lose it. OK I could deal with that. A few weeks ago, she took it off and didn't put it back on, just left it in the bathroom. A couple of days ago I got tired of seeing it in the bathroom every time I went in there. It felt like a slap in the face every time. I put it away. I was going to put it in her jewelry box, but I didn't want to get it tangled up with all the other stuff I have given her. So I ended up putting it in her night stand with some of the other jewelry that is too big to go in her jewelry box. Last night she finally noticed that it was missing and asked me where I put it and if I had taken it back. I told her that I had gotten tired of being slapped in the face every time I went in the bathroom so I put it away. That precipitated a fairly long discussion. Short story, she is "hanging out" with some friends, but she isn't cheating on me. She won't tell me who, she won't even admit if they are male or female. Not that it matters. We talked alot of things out, and she is going to start looking for a job when school starts so that she can get a place of her own and stop taking advantage of me. We haven't fully worked out child custody, I need to talk to some people here on base about that stuff. She feels guilty for giving me false hope and doesn't want to hurt me so that is why she has been dissappearing for long lengths of time. She won't be able to do it so much now that our daughter is back. I told her that if she told our daughter she was going to the beach she damn sure better be prepared to take her to the beach with her and not just tell her no and leave her crying at home again. I told her to be honest about it. I did lose my temper once last night and told her to get the hell out. That was toward the beginning of our talk though. She will be staying until she has a job and can afford a place to live, which around here may be a long time. Maybe things will work out in the future, but I am not optimistic at this point. I am feeling very lonely again.

Anniversary

In 8 days it will be 13 years that my wife and I met. It was 2 July 1992. It was a wednesday night and we met at a bar called "Fishhead's" in Destin Fl. I seem to recall that evening very well. It was probably the most fun I ever had when going out bar hopping. Now my wife is making sure that she is gone from the house when I will be there. She leaves the house about 1030 to 1045, so that she will be gone when I come home for lunch. She comes back around 1330. Says she was just running errands or at the beach. She used to say that. Now she doesn't even acknowledge that she wasn't home. Yesterday she had a dental appointment at 1500 and was still gone when I left for school at 1630. Evidently she came home shortly after I left. She left again about 1845. I came home from school to find a dark and empty house. I tried to call her on her cell phone, but she no longer answers when I call her. She has caller id you see. She lets it ring and then she will check her voicemail. So anyway I called her last night to see if she had eaten yet thinking that maybe we could go out for dinner together. But of course there was no answer. I texted her and still no answer. I finallt gave up and went to see if I could find something that appealed to me, bu tno luck. When I finally got home around 2030 she was there. She was shaving her legs and watching tv in the bedroom. I tried to talk to her and all she said was that she tried to call me on her way home from the dentist appointment but that I had already left for school since I didn't answer. What was she thinking she was going to do? Stop time so we could eat dinner together? So the D word came up again last night. I asked her what she intended to do with our daughter. She said, "Take her with me!" So I asked her where was she planning on living? How was she going to support herself and our daughter? She said she would find an apartment and a job. I told her to leave our daughter with me since I am in base housing and it is the school district she wants her in. There is no way that she can afford an apartment in this school district. Hell I can't afford an apartment in this school district! We are also supposed to be getting a new house that is being built. Which we both want. So I go home for lunch today thinking that maybe she would be there so that we could spend some time together, but from the looks of things, she came home from the gym late, changed clothes, sprayed on some perfume and left. Just to be away from where she thought that I might be. I called her cellphone to see if she would be home or somewhere that she would like to eat at, but once again, voicemail. I left her a message stating that I was calling to see if she wanted to eat, but since that she was now doing the hiding thing from me I supposed that she didn't. I told her that that hurt more than her being at home and ignoring me. Not that she will care anymore I guess. I really don't know how much longer my heart can take this. I am starting to get the idea of just how much a broken heart actually hurts.

Lawyer?

I guess I am going to have to start looking for a lawyer. Things are getting rougher at home. Before she went to school last night I went to give her a kiss goodbye, she asked me why I keep doing that. I guess she is hoping that I will either throw her out or pretend that I don't love her anymore. She left for school without me kissing her goodbye, then I went and cried for awhile. Not very manly of me, but at this point and time I don't care. I did manage to write a letter to her and print it out. I put it on her books, then started getting ready for bed. She came home a lot earlier than I had anticipated. She was in a good mood too, talking to me like nothing had happened. I went ahead and finished what I was doing then went to bed. I don't know exactly when she came to bed, but I do faintly remember her facing toward me, which is something she rarely ever does anymore. Before I left for work this morning, I asked her if she wanted to eat lunch with me today. She said she didn't know. I will have to assume that means no, and she won't be answering her phone either. Like I said, I think I need to start looking for a lawyer.

Friends

This sucks. I have burned so many bridges with people that I call friends, just so I could try to appease my wife. Now when I need someone to talk to, I don't have anyone left to talk to. Sometimes you just need to talk to a sympathetic friend. They say hindsight is 20/20, and it sure appearas to be that from my point of view. If I could do things over again, there are many things I would change. I wish...

Another time

Well I am back. I had LASIK last Thursday. Now I can actually see without glasses or contacts. I must say that I was very scared before I had it done, but now that it is over, it was well worth it. I was away from home for a week, and it appears that my wife was happy about me not being there. So I received a lackluster hug and kiss at the airport when I returned. I just wish I knew what was going on in her head. I asked a friend some questions so that I can try to get a better understanding of what may be going on. I haven't received a reply yet. Have a nice day.

Lost

I bet that these entries entitled "Lost" are getting old. I just don't have the desire to try to think up some witty title for every entry. The weekend was pretty much another bust. She stayed as far away from me as she could. Friday night we went out to pizza, I figured she would dissappear somewhere after we got back, but she didn't. Just went in the bedroom to study. Saturday she went out "looking around" for most of the day. She came back in time for us to go see the movie Madagascar. Our daughter enjoyed it. After that she grilled some steaks for dinner. I assumed she would go out after that, but once again she surprised me by staying home. Although she did go outside on the swing "studying" until after it was dark. Sunday morning she got up early and went to do her community service. She got home around 1230. We had some lunch and then she went outside to the swing again. I sat around inside trying to think of something to do. Finally I gave up and went out to mow the yard. She decided to lay out for awhile so I mowed the front yard and waited for her to come in so I could do the back yard. After I finished I got cleaned up and she was studying in the bedroom. She fell asleep so I just left her be. I mixed up some pancake batter for dinner and she came out a little after five so I started cooking them then. By the time I finished cooking all the pancakes and got ready to sit down and eat, she was finished and got up and went outside again. She stayed out there until I put our daughter in the tub, and went out to see if she was going to wash her hair or not. She did. She went back out after that though. I went in the bedroom and tried to do some homework. I finally gave up and went to finish up my chores for the night, then went to bed. I watched tv until she finally came to bed. Is this really worth it? Will it ever get better? When I leave tomorrow for a week, what is she going to do? Is there going to be a "guest" come visit for several days? Or will the house be utterly empty?

Suicide

I have a story tacked up on my cabinet at work. I read it everyday. Sometimes more than once a day. It is something that has probably been passed around email for many years, I don't know. I don't even remember where I got it. Here it is.

One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring all his books home on a Friday? He must really be a nerd."
I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes. My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses, I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said, "Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives." He looked at me and said, "Hey thanks!" There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.
I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said that he had gone to a private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all the way home, and I carried his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play football on Saturday with my friends and me. He said yes. We hung all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him.
Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, "Boy, you are sure gonna build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!" He just laughed and handed me the books. Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends.
When we were seniors, we began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I was going to Duke. I knew we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor, and I was going for business on a football scholarship. Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak.
Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous. Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervousabout his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, "Hey big guy, you'll be great!" He looked at me with one of those looks, (the really grateful one) and smiled. "Thanks," he said.
As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began. "Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years, your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach, but mostly your friends. I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story." I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying all his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. "Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable." I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize its depth. Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person's life. For better or for worse. God puts us all in each others lives to impact one another in some way. Look for God in others.

I don't know why this particular writing speaks to me as much as it does, but I cry almost everytime I read it.

Friday

Well it's Friday again. It was quiet at home last night. I guess you could say we kept to our separate corners. I went to bed about 9pm and watched tv until she came in. We said goodnight and I tried to go to sleep. About a half hour later she started talking to me. Mostly inconsequential stuff, but at least she was talking to me. I figured that it was a start at least and kept talking to her. We finally fell asleep, but it was nice to be able to talk before we went to sleep.
The weather here is starting to suck because of T.S. Arlene. Hopefully it will be clear of here by Tuesday. I am flying to San Antonio then for eye surgery. I hope that goes well. Have a nice weekend.

Horoscope

Who writes horoscopes? Is it an actual job? How close are they to the truth? Here is mine for today :
Family -- there's no one who knows you like they do. On the other hand, they're sometimes less than willing to give credit where it's due for all the growing up you've done. Don't throw a temper tantrum, however -- that'll just confirm their worst suspicions. Take a deep breath (or a few hundred) and give yourself all the praise you know you deserve for the distance you've covered and how much you've grown.

How many deep breaths should I take? I am wondering if I should just go ahead and tell her to pack and get out, or just start taking deep breaths...

Positive

I am going to try being positive again. And no I don't mean "I'm positive my marraige is over." I am going to try to be a positive person and see how everything goes. It didn't work for the chunky girl on the sitcom "Stacked" last night, but I think I'll give it a try anyways. I was rather amused watching that sitcom last night. It seems that Pamela Anderson is the star of the show and she wears really tight shirts with hard nipples all through it. Damn I love TV!!

Wednesday

I don't really know what to type today. I started class last night, but since the AC wasn't working we didn't stay long at all. I got home early, my wife was outside on the swing. I noticed that she had the portable phone with her, but it wasn't in use. I figured she was outside reading her homework. A few minutes later I noticed that the phone was in use. So she must have called someone since it didn't ring. A little while later our daughter went outside where she was and I presume started bothering her while she was on the phone because she came inside. She came in the door, saw me, got a scared look in her eyes and went right back out without even acknowledging me. I heard her talking before that and she had asked whoever it was if they were at home. So she must have called someones cell phone number. I didn't ask who she was talking to, because I'm not sure I want to know the answer. Curiosity got the best of me after she came into the livingroom about 645 and announced that she was going to the beach. Our daughter wanted to go with her, but she flat out refused to take her. Of course my daughter cried about it when she had left. So I picked up the phone and hit redial and it was one of our daughters friends home phone number. I know my daughter didn't call her friend after my wife was done, so I figure she called them after she got off the phone to whoever she called on a cellphone. I figure she came in the house, saw me, got scared, then made plans to meet at 7. Now that this is starting to affect my daughter I am getting upset. I wish I didn't love her anymore.

Ho hum

Another day. This weekend was no fun again. Friday night after work my wife and I went to go get her some new gym shoes and basically bum around. We got home around 7:20. I thought we had had a good time together. 10 minutes after we got home, she walks into the livingroom and tells me she is leaving and will be back in a little while. She gets home a little after 10 pm. To say that once again I was hurt would be an understatement. I didn't say anything to her about it. Saturday we went to go pick up our daughter. I finally worked up my courage to talk to her about our relationship. She couldn't leave since we were in the car going down the highway. We got nothing worked out. I do wonder if she is jusst having a midlife crisis and is trying to test me to see if I will leave her. I told her that there had been many times where I had considered asking her to leave or move into the other bedroom. She said she wondered why I hadn't. This is getting to be too much for me. Sometimes I wish I didn't love her as much as I do. Then it would be so much easier to move on.

Friday

I am really ready for this day to be over. This morning before I left for work I got a hug from my wife, but she wasn't really into it. I guess I did force her to do it, and I know that she is having problems with loving me. I am certainly hoping that she will figure her heart out soon and come back to me. I really don't know what I will do if she chooses to leave me. It would probably be the best thing for me, but I just can't see that. When I went to lunch today I asked if she had eaten, she said no, so I asked if she wanted me to warm up a pork chop and black eyed peas for her. She told me that she wanted breakfast instead, so we went to lunch together. It made me happy to actually spend time with her in a happy setting. We are supposed to go out for breakfast in the morning before we go pick up our daughter, who is at her aunts on the other side of Florida. I hope it goes good as well. I guess I better go, I got to go jerk off or something. Have a great weekend!

What a fun day

Yesterday at lunch, my wife and I talked for an hour or so. She said she didn't like the fact that she was hurting me, but that she felt trapped and repressed in the house and around me. She told me that I deserved to have someone who loved me as much as I loved them. It went on like this for awhile. I kept trying to tell her that she was the one that I wanted. I love her enough to wait for her to figure things out. She told me she didn't want to give me false hope. I asked her if she still cared for me at all. She said that she did care for me that was why she felt so bad for the way she treats me. I told her that I would wait for her to figure things out then, because there is still a chance. She again stated that she didn't want to give me false hope. I wish I didn't love her as much as I do. It would be much easier on my heart. I started drinking again last night after she went to school. This morning I had a slight headache and felt dehydrated. I wonder how much I drank last night. The thing about Pandoras box though, once you open it, it is damn near impossible to close it again. I already want another drink. And that 357 Magnum is starting to look even better.

Another day

Having another wonderful day. I tried to talk to my wife last night when she came to bed. I did all the talking, she finally said "I came to bed because I am tired." Then she wouldn't say anything else. This morning I took my car in to get some work done and was going to drive my other one to work. Of course it wouldn't start so I had to ask my wife to bring me to work. She acted like it was ruining her whole day, and bitched and moaned about it the whole way. So now I feel like shit, people are tasking me with all kinds of stuff that I have no idea about how to do. I am seriously thinking about going over to mental health and saying all the right things to lose my security clearance. Course maybe I would just be telling them the truth. I think I need to go take a walk around the building.