yuggh

What a shitty day. I got so much crap to do at work, but I don't know how to do it because it is all management crap. I am not a manager. All I want to do is make sure my servers are up and running, and to hell with everyone and everything else. My weekend sucked again by the way. Gee I wonder if it took a psychic to see that coming. I keep thinking that it would be so much easier to just put a gun under my chin and all my troubles and problems would be gone. Course I can't do that, because I wouldn't want to hurt my daughter like that. It still is a very tempting alternative.

Depressed ...again

Yep another one of those days. Went to the oldest girls graduation last night. Almost 500 kids graduated. We didn't get home till 11:30 PM. Supposedly both girls are going with the inlaws over to their aunts house. My wife and I will be going over on either Saturday or Sunday. I haven't been told which she wants to do yet. I may go home after work today to find an empty house. I don't know yet. I am still having trouble trying to deal with the fact that she won't tell me what she wants, but treats me like she wants to be single. When I ask her what she wants all she will say is that she doesn't know. Seems like I can't keep my hands from shaking anymore. I wonder if it wouldn't be for the best for her to just leave. At least for me. Then I wouldn't be trying to figure out what she wants and how to make her happy. I wish I was strong enough to not bother trying to do that and work on making myself happy.

In-Laws

Well the in-laws have come to visit for a few days. My wife had class last night and I was surprised when she was actually home on time. I guess she doesn't want her family to find out how badly she treats me. I had PT this morning and we had to run 2.5 miles. When I finished I went into the gym to get a drink before I went home. I saw her walking away from me, so I figure she had just arrived or something. I went to say hello to her and ask her what she wanted to do for lunch with her family. I won't say she was unhappy to see me, but she didn't act happy to see me either. So I talked to her for a few minutes. I got the feeling that she thought I was intruding on her space at the gym. I wish I was strong enough to go on with this.

Shakes

Sorry I haven't posted in a week or so. Haven't had the energy. Finally had a big blowout fight on Friday. My wife informed me when I got home from work that she was going to go visit her friend who was visiting DisneyWorld so that they could go out. I told her that I didn't think our 9 year old daughter should be going to bars because she would be taking her with. I decided right after that that I was tired of passively taking it and got mad. I yelled at her for not ever wanting to make time to spend with me, but that she would make time for anyone and everything else. I got into how come she never wanted to be around me, why didn't she ever want me touching her, or talking to her. I went on and on for a good 30 minutes. I was crying when I finished and then I left. I went to the beach for a couple of hours then a book store for a while. After I had finally got myself under some sort of control I called to see if she wanted to meet me somewhere for dinner. There was no answer at home, so I figured she took our daughter and went. I called her cell phone, but she never answered. So I finally went home. The front door was wide open and nobody was home. I called her cell phone again, still no answer. I finally texted her and asked if she had our daughter because the front door was wide open when I got home. I waited for a while to see if she would answer me, but she didn't so I finally went and got something to eat. When I got home from that they were there. She was pissed off because I had stopped her from going to see her friend. I told her I didn't stop her from seeing her friend, just stopped her from bar hopping. So we argued some more, I asked her what we needed to do to save our marraige. She said she didn't know if it was salvageable. This went on. I didn't hardly sleep. I got up early on Saturday. I mowed the yard, fixed my car, some other crap I can't even remember. I was pretty much in a daze. Yesterday was better. I went to church with our daughter, she went to volunteer at the homeless shelter giving out food. When I got home from church, she had left a note saying she was getting groceries, and running errands. Three hours later she finally called and said she was going to another grocery store to pick up some stuff the normal one didn't have. I told her that her mom had called and wouldn't be coming over till today. She finally got home and we decided to go for a walk on the beach. As we were nearing the finish of our walk she told me that she was going to go visit her friend. Whatever. Then she told me she would be back in time to get our daughter to school in the morning. Yeah that makes me feel good, my wife going on a sleep over. I keep getting the feeling that she is cheating on me. Time to go I guess.

Uncertainty always creeps

I talked to my wife again last night. I told her I wasn't strong enough to keep this up. I need some attention. So what did she do? Ignored me the rest of the evening. Came to bed late. When I went home for lunch today, she was "out running errands". What errands? She doesn't have any errands!! She waits for the weekend so that she can avoid me then! Sorry. I'm just pissed off and feeling sorry for myself. I am going to have to work on my car this weekend. I need to borrow or buy a 1/2 inch drive torque wrench. Whoo Hoo! Sears here I come! I'll go for now. I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

Lonely, again

Still feeling lonely. I wish I knew what I could do to convince her to love me again. At least she came home fairly early last night. 9:15. Maybe because our oldest is home now. I don't know. Sometimes I think a divorce would just be so much easier to handle. At least I wouldn't have to wonder what she was going to say next. I hope you have a great day.

What day is it?

I have been completely behind. I can't hardly remember what day it is. I need a vacation. Thats all for now.

Mother's Day

Well Mother's Day was a bust. All she wanted to do was spend time alone. So I took my daughter to the mall for some window shopping. She wanted to spend time with momma, but that wasn't happening. I wish I knew what to do.

Still sober

Well it is Friday finally. I'll be glad to go home today. Although I have a lot of yard work to do because of the rain here lately. I got a 100 on my last Algebra quiz last night, so I will have an A in that class. The next class will actually get me the credit I need for my degree so hopefully it will be as easy as this one. Home life is still iffy. I have been trying to be happy and lighthearted at home, but it is very hard to maintain that when all I want to do is scream asking what is wrong and what can I do to make it right. I was teasing her last night about plucking her eyebrows and not having any if she kept it up. She got mad and started telling me that they were exactly how she wanted them and she plucked them to maintain them,etc... After she calmed down some I told her I was sorry for upsetting her and that I was just teasing. She said it didn't matter. If it didn't matter why did she get so mad? Time for me to go to lunch. Have a great weekend!!

Rainy day

It is kind of dark and gloomy today. I am trying to be upbeat and happy, but when I get such negative feedback from my wife it is hard to do sometimes. I realize that change cannot happen overnight, but I would still like to have some positive feedback. Does it make me "high maintenance" if I want a hug and a kiss once in a while? What about if I just want some affection? I know our sex life is non-existent and I want some attention, but there is no way that I will ever force or coerce my wife into it. So why does it seem that I am unhappy about my marraige? Is it because of self imposed restrictions? I am starting to ramble so I will go.

Stumbling through life

Well I decided yesterday morning about 1030 that in order to be happy I had to act happy. So from then on yesterday I was upbeat and happy. Yesterday evening was pleasant as well. I am going to try to keep being happy and hopefully things will improve. They did improve some this morning. She didn't get mad at me when I started teasing her and rubbing on her. I guess I just can't let myself get depressed. Trying to be happy. Have a nice day.

Ugly morning

Well this morning sucked. Last night sucked too. My wife had class and I figured that after our talk on Sunday things would improve. Nope. She did the same thing. She stayed out late after school. Said she didn't think it was that big of a deal. I told her that if she had called then it wouldn't be a big deal. So she gets pissed off that I am giving her a curfew. I never told her she had to come home, just that she should give me a call so I wouldn't worry. This morning I let her know that it wasn't so much her staying out that bothered me, but the fact that she had time for everyone and everything else besides me. Then I left for PT. I just don't know what is going on with her. I Love her very much, but I am tired of putting up with her treating me this way. Feeling sorry for myself. Have a nice day.

Weekend

Had a mostly quiet weekend overall. I took my daughter to see HHGG on saturday. She enjoyed it. I guess I will have to let her read the books when she gets a little older. My wife was too busy to go with us. I guess since she didn't come home from school till 2230. No phone call or nothing again. No explanation or even apology this time. Yep I'm a doormat.
So Sunday morning before I got ready for church, I asked her why. I proceeded to keep asking her questions and getting things off my chest. She just told me that she wasn't trying to hurt me, and that she didn't know why she was doing it. I asked her what it was that made her not want me. She wouldn't answer me. So now I'm still confused and lonely. And last night she goes to the movie by herself. Hmmm. Have a nice day.